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trauma

What Are Nurture Groups?

Nurture groups are an in-school or in-home
psychosocial intervention of groups of less
than 12 students or in a family that effectively replace
missing or distorted early nurturing
experiences for both children and young
adults; they achieve this by immersing
children in an accepting and warm
environment which helps develop positive
relationships with both teachers, peers and family members.
Nurture groups were originally developed in 1969 in
London by educational psychologist Marjorie Boxall who
saw that a large number of children entering school
arrived with severe social, emotional and behavioral
needs. These students were unable to form trusting
relationships with adults or to respond appropriately to
other children – in effect, they were simply not ready to
meet the social and intellectual demands of school life.
Nurture groups are used in many schools throughout the UK and have shown tremendous improvements in social abilities.
Nurture groups are developed around six
principles of nurture:

  • Learning is understood developmentally
  • A person must be able to give care to have a healthy relationship
  • A person must be able to receive care to have a healthy relationship
  • A person must be able to communicate their need to have a healthy relationship
  • A person must be able to be autonomous (self-regulate) to have a healthy relationship
  • The importance of transitions in all of life

There are three rules in a nurture group:

  1. We stick together
  2. No hurts
  3. Have fun!

 

trauma

Why Caregivers Need to Practice Mindfulness

Parenting often provides daily challenging experiences. For example, everyone is buckled in the car ready to go and one child announces they need to go back inside to go potty. After getting 3 minutes down the road another child points out that he doesn’t have any shoes on. At this point you are running late and feeling your anxiety level increase. Although in the big picture these events are minor, they still cause irritation.

As a parent, you will need to react appropriately, but your body is reacting to the stress by:

releasing adrenaline
increasing your heart rate
reducing your ability to problem-solve tightening of the muscles…
These physiological responses would be appropriate if you were facing a life or death situation but aren’t appropriate for forgotten shoes or a last minute potty run. Many caregivers have deep, unconscious fear losing control of a situation or a child. Others are lacking capacity to shoulder the child’s emotion on top of their own. Mindfulness exercises will help you live in the present moment and remain peaceful and relaxed. They will reduce your anxiety levels and help enhance concentration. We automatically do what our instincts tell us to do, unless we train ourselves for a different response. Imagine if emergency personnel didn’t train themselves to respond with thoughtfulness and just rushed in to a scene. There would be more people hurt, including the rescuers and the danger could escalate. This is what happens when caregivers, whether teacher, doctor, parent or caseworker are not trained to be mindful (and logical) in the moment. It breaks my heart when I hear a child saying “you scared me” or crying uncontrollably and running away because the sense a threat of harm, whether verbal or physically from the caregiver who doesn’t mean harm, but is doing so anyway.

trauma

Make the Switch from Willfull Disobedience to Survival Behavior

According to definitions.uslegal.com, the definition of willful disobedience is the intentional disobedience by a free agent who knows what he is doing, although not necessarily acting with malice or evil intent. Vocabulary.com states that Willful means “deliberate” or “stubborn.” A child who exhibits willful disobedience knows she is doing something wrong (even if she tries to convince you otherwise). For most people, willful disobedience is the child’s deliberate choice to disobey even after he has been reminded and given a chance to correct his behavior.

Is there a time when a child or even an adult would choose to disobey? Yes. In childhood, this is a part of development; learning to think independently, assess a situation, negotiate needs, use moral compass to make decisions. We would not be comfortable with a child that mindlessly obeys. Just think for a moment of the many tragedies that have or could arise out of blind obedience.

Why do we seek obedience as caregivers? Generally, we would like our children to grow up to be more or less civilized. We would like them to feel comfortable doing what they are supposed to do. How do we teach this to children?

We must remember that true obedience is based on a foundation of love and trust, not fear. We teach obedience through discipline. Now let’s clarify what discipline means… it may not mean what you think it means. Discipline means to learn. It does not mean to issue a punishment or ensure consequence. In working with children from hard places, we must be careful to show great love in the process of discipline [teaching/learning]. It really matters where our hearts are. No learning takes place when anger is present. A child may act out of fear, and it will resemble obedience. But it is not the same. Nothing is learned, character isn’t shaped, bonds are not forged, and positive growth doesn’t occur.

A child may also act out of fear and it does not resemble obedience. More often than not, this is what is seen in children from hard places. (**Remember that this does not just mean abuse/neglect but there are six risk factors to a child’s healthy development: difficult pregnancy, difficult birth, early/prolonged hospitalization, abuse, neglect, trauma**) The fear response, also known as fight, flight, or freeze originates in the amygdala of the brain (aka small brain, lizard brain, survival center.)

Common fight responses:

Kicking

screaming

biting

spitting

throwing

Long after a traumatic experience is over, it may be reactivated at the slightest hint of danger and mobilize disturbed brain circuits and secrete massive amounts of stress hormones. This precipitates unpleasant emotions intense physical sensations, and impulsive and aggressive actions. These posttraumatic reactions feel incomprehensible and overwhelming. Feeling out of control, survivors of trauma often begin to fear that they are damaged to the core and beyond redemption. Imagine if you shout, “Look over here!” and your child startles, dropping to the ground. Do you think that your child was willfully disobedient or scared? We don’t equate an adult’s fear response with willful disobedience. Why would we? It’s an instinct, a reflex to survive.

So let’s make the switch in how we view our children’s fear responses. Instead of seeing the behavior as willful disobedience, we must view the behavior for what it is – a survival instinct. We must change the lens through which we view behavior. It is an expression of need that children are unable to verbalize. They may not be aware of the fear that they feel (it is a reflex after all… the husband who is suddenly rushing to lift the car off of his wife is not able to say “I’m so scared I must run and lift this vehicle.” He can only react to that fear.)

Are you ready to make the switch?

“A lot of ‘seeing the need’ is understanding the impact of trauma on kids. Having compassion and understanding helps us to see the need. Seeing the need is changing your frame of reference so you realize that these aberrant behaviors are survival strategies rather than willful disobedience. If you look at your child’s behavior through the lens of his history, his actions make perfect sense. Understanding attachment and any deficits in early development also helps us to see the need behind behavior.” – Dr. David Cross

Ask yourself, “what does my child need?” when faced with challenging behaviors. By conducting a quick mental inventory of the current environment, previous events of the day, and any known triggers, we can often make a good guess at what our child needs when she is struggling. If you’re not sure, say, “Buddy, I want to help you. Can you use your words or show me what you need?” in a calm, non-threatening tone. Your child’s answer may surprise you.

It’s time to stop parenting the shark we see on top of the water ad get to the needs of the goldfish underneath.

trauma

Plan for a Sensory Summer

Despite the fact that it’s only 45 degrees and raining today, I have faith that summer weather will come. I know that summer vacation will, and it’s sooner than we think.

For me, the end of a school year brings joy, excitement, and nostalgia for the innocence of my own childhood days. I remember camping trips that lasted forever (in my childish memory), campfires, bike riding from sunup to sundown, picking berries and mowing the lawn. And yes, I enjoyed mowing the lawn…still do actually. Magically I never got tired, thirsty or hungry.

As a parent, I still have those same feelings but some doubt and anxiety sneak in too. With the loss of the school routine it means: long, seemingly endless days with my children and NO break. This has the potential to stress any parent; for the parent of a child from the hard places, it can make you curl into a ball and hide with your head under the blanket.

Here are some tips for managing the transition to summer vacation and for a summer filled with the awe and wonder all children should have.

1. Start now, today. Mark the calendar for the end of school and discuss what this means. Ask your children how they are feeling about summer vacation. Talk about changes to routine. If they’re going to a sitter or day camp every day, begin the planning process. What will their day look like there? What resources will they have to help them regulate? Talk to other caregivers and make sure they’re ready to provide nutrition and hydration every two hours…more on hot days, that they can meet sensory needs, especially proprioception, have calm down activities/fidgets available. Do they know your child’s biggest triggers?

2. Plan the activities in advance. I’m a big picture sort of girl. I am not much of a detail planner. I prefer to make it happen on the fly. But as caregiver to child(ren) from hard places, it means I MUST be mindful of my time, environment, energy, and yes, I have to plan, in advance. This doesn’t mean every minute of each day has to be planned out. But, think ahead…how will I meet their sensory needs each day? Summer provides some wonderful sensory experiences unavailable at other times of the year, especially in the northeast.

Are there some special activities you want to do together? Put them on the calendar so that trip to the zoo and the day trip to your favorite beach aren’t pushed off until it’s too late. Have a rain date backup.

3. Visual schedule. I am a HUGE fan of visual schedules. When we started using them with our four year old, the perserevating suddenly stopped…that day! The constant kicking and screaming and undercurrent of anxiety, were simply gone. Now, four years later, we only need the schedule on certain days AND she is beginning to verbalize when she needs it. Schedules don’t have to include every minute or even each activity of the day. Who can really plan that much detail? It might look like this, in picture… Breakfast, indoor play, clean up, snack, walk the dog, read a book, lunch, outside play, nap (if your child doesn’t nap anymore, schedule rest breaks and establish the boundaries for rest time…where, when, how long, what is allowed during rest time such as books, quiet toys, etc.) snack, special activity, dinner, family yoga, bath, bed. Allow some flexibility, give some control, make compromises, and always have a wild card ready.

4. Go with the flow… planning is great, but flexibility is a must. Perhaps you planned a day of wildflower picking to meet sensory needs and the ground is soaked from last night’s thunderstorms…plan B. Maybe your child will discover a new interest, such as fireflies or the sandbox becomes Thunderball Beach. Just because our children have experienced trauma doesn’t mean they don’t have preferences and imaginations. Let them experience the joy of discovery. Return to “the plan” with adjustments as needed.

5. Model how to enjoy summer. Instead of complaining that there’s no school or it’s 95° out, express gratitude for the time together, and really mean it. Show them how to make juice pops and make silly voices into the fan. Mention your body is hot and sweaty and you don’t like it. It makes your engine run yellow or red…then show them how you will regulate with a glass of iced tea and a good book or a game of cards.

6. Remember that connection comes first and summer is a wonderful time to make lasting memories that build trust and healthy attachment forever.